Fun Facts

This movie…this movie.  I blame director Andrzej Bartkowiak’s “Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li” for my loss of faith in God.  Seriously, Uwe Boll could have done this better.

I know what sinister energies brought this movie to bare, but as a critic it isn’t my job to talk about videogame tie-ins.  This movie doesn’t seem like it was terrible on purpose – it seems like it actually wants you to hate it.  It takes the premise of an action movie but strips out any good fighting.  There are sexy female characters, but they aren’t naked enough to justify this movie.  Nothing would be naked enough to justify this movie.

It’s already considered to be dead in the water, but the level of horror at the atrociousness of this picture has been theatrical.  It has scored an incredible 5% at Rotten Tomatoes and Kristin Kreuk’s wooden acting does nothing for this turd.  Neal McDonough, Chris Klein and Michael Clarke Duncan all man the Failboat as well, and even for the deep hell that is videogame adaptations, this one outdoes itself in delivering the bad.

Of course, this movie has to draw comparisons to the first (?!) Street Fighter title, which starred Van Damme.  It was also horrible, but at least it was entertaining for kids – it did what an awful videogame movie is supposed to do: bring the stilted two-dimensional characters of the videogame to life in gloriously bad costumes on the big screen.  Of course, videogame characters rarely need to be brought to life.

Bartkowiak’s film even takes liberties with the history and story of the Street Fighter universe, and it does it poorly.  In trying to explain itself we miss out on valuable time for action.  Unfortunately in this movie, that sucks too.  At least Van Damme could actually perform a martial-arts stunt or two; these actors suck at fighting and acting.  I can’t tell if the editing is bad on purpose, or if it’s just desperately trying to make up for the lack of ability in the film’s stars.

Avoid this film at all costs – this is the epitome of a bad movie, and it fails in every aspect of its delivery.  It has no plot, no action and no attractive imagery. When the actors can actually manage to portray any emotion at all, they are visibly embarrassed to be in this movie.

Final score: F-

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Who Watches the Watchmen?  Hopefully, no one.

The Watchmen is an energetic, stylized movie that has its merits but ultimately misses the tone of Moore’s dark epic.

Between the huge studio battles, law suits and dozens of delays, fans had almost lost hope in seeing “Watchmen” become reality.  Personally, I wasn’t convinced that this movie should have ever happened.

Alan Moore’s graphic novel is a dark, cerebral, brooding experience.  The characters draw up a realistic portrayal of what caped crusaders might be like if they were real people – if the perfections that we take for granted in Superman and Spiderman were erased, and they were just like you and me.  We’re left with the deeply flawed, disturbed and perverted heroes you’ll come to know as the Watchmen.

Watchmen takes place on an alternate Earth where Nixon is president for life (one of the first signs the future is not going well,) America won the Vietnam War, and costumed heroes have been outlawed. “Watchmen” starts off with the explosive murder of Edward Blake (Jeffrey Dean Morgan). Also known as the Comedian, Blake’s death is the event that sets the film’s most dynamically acted character, Rorschach (Jackie Earl Haley). A useful opening credits montage introduces us to the hefty cast of superheroes and their history together.  Pay attention, because if you’ve never read the graphic novel then there is a lot to miss here.

Ultimately director David Snyder bit off more than can be chewed.  The movie is infused with a Hollywood energy that isn’t befitting of the dark source material – the compromises made to the tone of the film are far more horrendous than those done to the plot.  Much adieu has been made about the changed ending, but I assure you that Snyder didn’t tack on a family-friendly ending.  The change that he made (I won’t spoil it) is one that actually improves on the graphic novel’s own final act.  Without being able to set up the proper Lovecraftian references of Moore’s seminal title, a giant squid monster might have been lost on your average moviegoer.

Instead we are left with a lot of action, a lot of characters, and not enough depth.  Further, the musical choices are often laughable – listening to “Hallelujah” while watching a costumed Owl (who owes Batman royalties) and a spandexed skank bump and grind elicited more than a few chuckles from my fellow moviegoers.  It’s been said that the perfect musical score is never noticed; it’s painful when one actually reverses the intended meaning of a scene.

Then again, maybe nothing could save that scene.

Ironically, the movie falls into many of the pits that the source material set out to satirize.  The action is a focal point of what was once a character-driven story, and while this is an “okay” entry into the superhero echelon of movies, those expecting the gravity and character-driven story of, say, The Dark Knight will be disappointed.

Overall Grade: B-

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